Conversation

A good conversation is something I truly enjoy!  The ability to converse must be one of the greatest gifts a human possesses!  Sadly it all too often goes to waste because few people really seem to be able to converse despite what they may think.  Daily conversations generally fall into one of four categories and seldom are of one category only.  Subjective, objective, about other people or about one's self are often times the four categories conversations are said to fall into.

Sadly, it seems that the latter two conversations are the type or category that most people seem inclined to engage in.  All too often conversations about other people turn into gossip, something that I oppose greatly and will usually try to turn the conversion when it come to gossip.  Either that or turn my attention away losing interest in the conversation entirely!

When it comes to a conversation that becomes totally one-sided and someone begins talking incessantly about themselves it is easy to lose interest in the conversation as well.  Now a conversation about one's self can be satisfying when coming to know someone can be refreshing and informative, most welcome!  The same can generally said of someone that you have not seen in awhile and want to catch up, or about a particular event or time during the person's life.  When it is obvious the conversation has turned out to be solely conversation in order to get attention, I am turned off and tune out!

Now conversations of the former categories are of the most substance and entertainment.  Maybe the satisfaction comes about through the intelligence required by one of a subject and the ability to convey the subject adequately!  Personally, I enjoy and welcome some one who can converse and can help me to understand or come to understand an idea, or convince me of a view they hold.

So many people turn to senseless banter or gossip to try and hold a conversation and all too often about things that only themselves can relate to leaving other participants of the conversation lost and uninterested, myself included.  Largely and often it seems that people are fearful of entering into a meaning conversation perhaps due to a lack of knowledge of the subject, or fear of their lack of knowledge of the language.  In either case, it is probably best for the participant to shut up to listen and learn rather than show their stupidity!

There is the more intimate conversations that people seem to have a problem with as well!  The inability to have personal and intimate conversations seems largely to be a problem as well.   Largely it seems that this is because people are afraid to open up and reveal themselves, and their true feelings.  For fear of rejection or admitting something to someone that would cause them to expose themselves to others.  Yet all the while, opening up and daring to 'expose' themselves might make the relationship all that much stronger and enduring.  When we keep things bottled up inside us we end up doing harm no only to ourselves but potentially to others as well.

Conversation is key to healthy relationships of all kinds but it is important to know the purpose of the conversation and its purpose.

The Whole Time in California - This was my biggest fear

Even before I moved to California - while I was there 'temporary' I had one fear that lived with me the whole time.  So much so I spent as much time as I could reading and learning about it!  I watched every documentary that came on Television about it.  Trying to do all that I could to prepare and safe myself in the event of a big one!  I am of course talking about earthquakes!

Admittedly, I am claustrophobic!  Just the mere thought of enclosed, tight cramped spaces sends me into a tizzy and can freak me out!  Maybe this is one of the reasons that I am so strongly being cand remated versus being buried upon my death.  In life though, death by fire is an extremely big concern and fear as well.

There have been two events in my life that caused me to realize my fear of claustrophobia.  The first was in my very young life shortly after graduating high school. It was while working in my first refinery (an interesting experience).  I was working during shutdown in this one unit.  It required us to climb into this 'tube' and clean it to allow for the proper flow of product through it.  Now the 'tube' was barely wide enough to climb inside little alone crawl inside and work.  It was necessary to contort your body into the necessary position before entering the tube.  Once inside there was barely room to move and maneuver as needed.  It was way too close quarters for me.  Cramped and the air seemingly hot and limited I barely got inside before I was on my way out to return to fresh air and unlimited space.

The second instance came early in my life and occurred shortly after reporting aboard ship in the Navy, as if reporting to my new command was not enough to scare me.  A nine-teen year old, thousands of miles from home, alone and walking up to an aircraft carrier and 5000 new people.  After reporting aboard and beginning to get settled I was assigned berthing quarters and my rack (bed).  The rack was almost completely enclosed with a curtain in the 'front' which was pulled closed to afford some sense of privacy.

Once inside with the curtain pulled I realized how 'tight and enclosed' the quarters (rack) were the all the lights went out and I was immersed in total darkness.  The kind of darkness where you can't see your hand in front of your face.  To me for the first night or two, until you grow accustomed to it, it is like being enclosed in a coffin!

Scary stuff and both instances lending strength and confirmation that I was claustrophobic!  Yet again, I digress from the main subject of this post, so let me get back to it.  My original fear of earthquakes and their potential surfaced during my first extended stay in California.  I was there for an extended stay while setting up a new plant.  One night back in the hotel room I was watching Television and began watching a documentary on one particularly large earthquake in the Bay Area a few years ago.  It was awe rendering and began me to thinking!  Of particular interest and concern to me was seeing cars buried under the rumble of collapsing bridges.  Seeing this summoned up some of my greatest fears, being trapped in a confined space.

After seeing this documentary I had new reason for my fears and it stayed with me my whole time in California, and today.  So great was my fear of earthquakes I installed an earthquake tracker on my PC desktop so I could be aware of them occurring all around me on an almost daily basis!  I knew there was no early warning system but still I prepared myself the best I felt I could.  I went as far as ensuring every precaution possible was taken at the facility I worked at.  Even 'arming' myself with more than just one flashlight in my office.  Still my fear of earthquakes stayed strong and I grimaced and held my breath every time I had a need to cross over any one of the many bridges in the Bay Area.

Now I have to give my thanks to God that I was very fortunate during my entire span of time in California, a total of six or seven years total to have personally never experienced an earthquake!  That is until just a matter of weeks before I am scheduled to leave!  Then the most intense earthquakes hit the area I was living in and had an effect on yours truly.  Reportedly it was the greatest magnitude earthquake in the Bay Area since the Loma Prieta in 1989.

Whether it was that big or not, I cannot confirm but what I can confirm is that I felt it shake.  At first I didn't know what it was but my first though was that it was a large truck shaking the ground outside.  About the the same time these thoughts were running through my head my room mate called from the other room that it was an earthquake!  Getting up from my desk and making my way to the other room I saw her under a doorway.  With not much need to encourage me, I joined her there as she suggested to 'ride' it out.

What an experience it was!  A short time later (probably 30 seconds or less) and it passed.  While it was going on I am sure there was a lot going on but the thing that stands out most in my mind is the sheet rock on the wall.  It was like some thing in an acid trip!  The sheet rock moved on the walls as if it was liquid!  One of the strangest things in the world I had ever seen!

With the initial shock over we waited for the possible aftershocks while checking for damage in the house.  Fortunately my room mate had been through earthquakes before and had pretty well earthquake proofed the house as well as indoctrinating me on how to be prepared for one.  There was no major damage from the earthquake.  Strangely though my PC would not power up.

How strange that the power supply would die due to the earthquake!  It was while having the case off to replace the power supply that I discovered the CPU had come unseated.  It was a lesson learned in more ways than one!

Ironically there was a fairly major quake in portions of MO just a few days before my relocation! Who would ever think about earthquakes in MO?  Did they follow me here?

The Tractor Pull

Within the week I received a call from my mother inviting me to a 'tractor pull.'  This was something of an annual event (my mother received free tickets through the TV station that she worked) and involved my 'whole' family.  HELL YEAH I was done for it, this was just the main reason I had moved back home to do things and be close to family!   I was stoked to say the least and couldn't wait for the day to get there.

What an event it turned out to be!  Not only was I with my family all together on a Friday night at at annual event, there was entertainment!  As it turned out, there was more entertainment than what was on the agenda!  That evening, while we were sitting there waiting for the 'tractor' pull a really huge storm blew in.  The storm brought winds that were unlike any I could recall (even the ones I had experienced in New Mexico) and all of us 'fans' were forced to take shelter in the fall out shelter below the bleachers.  It was something!

The storm must have been something, for my phone started ringing with a call from my cousin 30+ miles away calling to check on me!  I was overcome, thinking to myself this is the way it is supposed to be, family calling family to check on them and make sure they are all right!  It was a novelty to me but something that I liked and looked forward to in my life!

In time the storm blew over but not before dealing its devastation over miles!  The 'tractor' pull went on as planned while we sat in the bleachers not having a clue to what happened around us until after the event.  The ride home was filled with talk of the storm and how bad they can be as we drove home amid flashes of lightning all around us!  Arriving at the turn on the highway to go back to my house we were forced to take a detour - the highway was closed due to the storm!

It was dark as we drove home and despite the detours and the storm all around us we could not tell the affects the storm had.  It wasn't until the next day in the light of day that we were able to get out on the roads and see how devastating the storm was.  Driving down road after road and by house after house the damage caused by the tornado was unmistakable and easy to see.  It was horrendous!  Entire houses moved!  Lifted from their foundations and made uninhabitable!  The uprooting of trees was unbelievable, huge trees and hundreds of them!  Across the sky the plumes of smoke could not go unnoticed as people burnt piles of rubbish to recover from the tornado.  It was eerie to look out across the plains and fields, the stands of trees and see the branches and trunks of huge magnificent trees strewn about like matchsticks.  It had been one gigantic storm and my thoughts went out to all the families who suffered from it.

This storm had passed and all my family escaped its wrath - for that I was thankful!

Arriving Home

Finally the first leg of the journey that had just began came to a close - my destination of Joplin was through and through the blessings of God and prayers of many I arrived safely and without incident!

The first order of business was to acquire the keys to my new residence!  This required a call to my sister which ended up in a call to my mother to get the keys.  My mother brought me the keys and soon I was able to see my new 'home' for the first time other than the digital description I had read and digital pictures I had viewed.  The place was perfect and I was forever indebted to my sister (and mother) for all they had been through in getting me the place.  I loved it!

My sister had helped to get the place and all the utilities turned on.  The only complaint in hind sight would be the location.

The next task, was of course to get the truck and trailer unloaded, which I wanted to do before dark.  This what not going to be a necessarily easy task since I had been up driving for over 24 hours, there was a huge set of steps between the driveway and the truck and I was alone to accomplish the task.  I was determined though and finished what I set out to do!  Mission accomplished I began setting up house and setting things the way that I wanted them.

Smoking

Let me be up front for the record and say that I do smoke but hope to be a reformed smoker soon!  For all the same reasons that every one else needs to quit so do I.  It may well be one of the single best things I can do for my health (and all you other smokers too you don't want to end up like me).

All of these Smoking Ban initiatives, ordinances and actions perturb me to no end.  It is discrimination I tell you!  Just once I would like to go somewhere (like a restaurant) and see no Children Sections or better yet No Children Allowed (how many violations of Age Discrimination would that start?) or how about No Handicap Sections or better yet, No Handicaps Allowed (even more counts of discrimination suites).  So tell me how is it not discrimination against smokers?  I don't see any ordinances or actions to close drinking establishments!

Often times, people call for action on something without fully considering the impact of such actions.  If anyone is of the right mind, they will boycott and avoid such places.  Often times, when I can I will not visit establishments that Ban Smoking,  not just because I am a smoker, but because I support the rights of others.

Personally I have seen establishments close their doors in opposition of the No Smoking policy.   These business owners should be applauded!  Other businesses have been forced to close their doors for lost revenue through the loss of business.  The loss of revenue can be devastating to everyone involved.


The 'recent' history of the United States should serve as a reminder that prohibition does not work!  Does anyone remember the Volstead Act?  Remember that those who forget history are bound to repeat it.  And we do continue to over and over again.

Privileges, not Rights

We have almost all said it at one time or another, sometimes on multiple occasions, 'I wish I knew now what I knew then.'  Let me tell you, nothing could be more true for me these days!

Much of my free time these days are spent thinking  about all the things I wish I had done when I had the chance!  If I had been wiser and more disciplined I probably could have, I at one time had the means if I set my mind to it to do just about anything but alas those days are gone and apt to never return.

More so time is spent thinking about the things I did do but would have done differently!  There are tons of them to say the least!  For the most part, the things I would do differently are the way I have interacted with people.  For the most part, I have been honest and true to those I come into contact.  As I have grown older my words, thoughts and actions towards others has become more compassionate and true, definitely less selfish.

There are a lot of people in my life that I do or have called friend.  As it turns out many of them were only acquaintances to some where wanna be friends.  In some instances, I wasted my true friends, and some times family on these so called friends.  Looking back there were some people who were true friends and I let the friendship go by the wayside often times for my own selfish pursuits and reasons, the same can be said of some family too.

It took me a long time to realize that family and friends are privileges and not rights.  Of course, some people only come into our lives for a time, to fill a purpose.  Looking back I can identify some of those, but in many instances I confused the two.  In the end I have lost a lot of good friends!  Some times though the decision to part ways, for whatever reason was theirs but still the loss is the same.

Family to a large extent is the same, we expect them to always be there.  It is important to remember that family too is a privilege and not a right.  Even though they will always be our family through blood, they do not have to accept us or treat us as their own.   We always expect family to be there for us but it does not necessarily have to be the case, and often times is not!

Relationships don't just happen and remain forever!  They require care and nurturing, things as well as space to go grow and thrive.  Given not enough or too much and they will die.  Make it too one sided and they will die as well.  As in life, it requires balance.  Learning the balance required is not always easy, if ever truly learned.  The absence of friends in your life is as detrimental to your health as smoking or being overweight. 

Things Taken for Granted

These days it easy for me to realize a lot of things, one of them is all the things I took for granted (I am sure others can relate to at least some of these things).

Probably the biggest thing I miss is my eye-sight, the loss of which contributes to most all others.  I know that I am blessed to have the eye-sight I do have, I am not completely blind but maybe legally blind (I will find out next week).  Though I used to mess with eye-glasses and in my vanity contacts, my vision was still 20-20 (or close to it) and my field of vision great!  All the same, I took it for granted, thinking I would always have it.  Practically in the blink of an eye it was gone.

Losing your eye-sight, even partially makes you realize how much you depend on in, without even thinking about it. 
The other thing I have come to realize is how much you depend on it for things without even realizing it like one's balance,  or the way that you move.  I am definitely not as quick on my feet or as sure as I once was.

Along with the eye-sight goes all so many things.  One of the things I miss truly is my way to get around the kitchen!  No more big elaborate meals for family and friends!

Really I am not throwing a pity party!  More I just want people to be truly aware of what they have and make them aware no to take such things for granted anymore.  Simple things like being able to read - instructions, directions or a book!

Though I miss so many things that I used to take for granted, I am truly thankful for all that I do have!  Be sure to give thanks Ever Day for all the things you have, you might not have them tomorrow!

A Place to Live?

Finally?  Maybe?  Almost six months after the stroke it looks like maybe I have found a facility to take me on.  The game plan is supposed to be to go and check it out this weekend.  There have been so many obstacles to overcome to get to this point.  The two biggest issues being my 'young' age (no being considered a senior yet) and money (I have no insurance and am on public assistance).  While I am waiting for word from the SSA (Social Security Administration) on my SSI/SSD case (at the time you apply you are told that it can be two weeks to four years to get a ruling).

At the moment, I am on Medicaid alone which only offers about $292.00 a month for housing.  Even in Missouri, a person would be hard pressed to find a place to live on that amount.  After finding a place to stay there are utilities on top of that.

It appears that facilities for a person of my age with my needs are at a premium and very hard to find.  Wish me luck that this all works out and the facility will work out so I don't have to resort to the street or shelters!

Kevin's Warped Mind

In this section of the blog, it will be my 'diary,' a collection of thoughts and views on different topics.  Trying to be organized and keep things segregated here and easy to read.  The views on the blog are mine and are not to be taken for legal, medical, or personal advice - the entries are strictly for your education and entertainment value.  Feel free to use it as you can for your personal growth and development but please seek professional advice before applying any of to your personal life.  If you care to discuss any of it, let me know, I am always interested in other view points.

Driving to Missouri

Two days and some hours later, the pickup and trailer loaded, I a ready to head eastward to Missouri leaving California, but not for the last time.  I would have to travel back at least one more time on business before that chapter would draw to an end.

Bound and determined to make it as quickly as possible, I pushed myself and the truck (an trailer) as hard as I could trying to get to Missouri as fast as possible.   The trip was really a blur with nothing truly notable happening on the way.  The only two memorable moments being to have to pay $4.59 in California for gas (one more reminder of one reason I was ready to leave HIGH PRICES!) and a break in New Mexico to stretch my legs.

Rested and awake, I looked for someplace to fill up the truck and my belly before continuing eastward.  It was easier to find someplace to fill up the truck than it was my belly so I filled up the truck and headed eastward.  I was just a ways west of Flagstaff, and did not stop to eat until I was east of Flagstaff.  Traveling alone had its advantages but having company would have been nice too.  There were so many things to stop and see and so many empty miles that could have been filled with conversation and idle chat!

Just east of Flagstaff, I found a truck stop with a restaurant and pulled in to tend to my needs.  As I got out of the truck, I was amazed at how the wind was - strong enough to push my (at the time) 220lb+ self across the parking lot!  My goal to eat not dampened or thwarted by the wind I made my way in for an unforgettable meal before continuing my trek eastward.i

Seeming to inch way along I wondered if I would ever reach my destination the suddenly Arizona was behind me and I entered New Mexico.  Not a major deal, not that the scenery had changed that much or that I was on any kind of schedule other than my own.  Still it was a milestone and I was that much closer to my destination.  Quickly I calculated in my head approximately where I was and how much further (longer) I had to go.

With blessings the truck continued to 'purr' along and I was thankful to the Lord for making it this far with no complications or trouble.  Stoked with the excitement of reaching my destination and feeling rested after sleeping in Arizona, I continued on my way with no intention of stopping for sleep again until I made Joplin.  A little further down the road and I noticed a great deal of neon lights.  It was a casino and seemed to be the perfect place to stop and stretch my legs for a 'few' hours without actually getting a room.

After pulling in to the casino parking lot, I parked the truck and trailer and made my way to the front door of the casino.  Now there was nothing spectacular about this casino, out in the middle of no-where New Mexico.  It was pretty much like any other Indian casino I had or have been to in my life.  All the same it had slot machines and seemed to fit my needs to stretch my legs.  I walked around for a bit until I found a familiar looking machine and plopped my frame down on the stool.

With money (pre-trip win in California) and time to burn, I put $20.00 into a nickel machine and commenced to press the buttons.  Other than it was a short time later, I am not sure how long I played before the machine began going off with all its bells and lights!  Fortunately it was fairly late at night in the middle of the weeks and an attendant found me relatively quickly to make good on my winnings.  The win was a blessing and added to my bankroll and helped to fund the cost of the trip!

Not wanting to push my luck, I collected my winnings and headed back out to the truck to continue my venture east!  Checking the status of the gauges, I looked at the clock to see I had whiled away two hours.  More than ample time to stretch my legs!  Feeling pumped by my blessings I continued through New Mexico and watched the sunrise.

With pangs of hunger starting to well up inside me and the morning sun shining in my sunglassless (note previously broken sunglasses) I began to look for a place to have breakfast.  It wasn't long before I spotted a familiar sign and pulled in for a leisurely breakfast before continuing on.

Venturing onwards it wasn't long before New Mexico was behind me and I entered Texas for a brief period before it became Oklahoma.  Entering into Oklahoma, called for a brief stop to service and fill the truck at the first filling station.  It was a short stop, before continuing the journey but required a stop a short time later to service, feed me before continuing on.  Carefully planned I might add to avoid heavy traffic in the traffic centers (Oklahoma City) before hitting the turnpike and making my way into Joplin.

Why Don't Dogs Eat Oranges? - Ascorbic Acid - better known as Vitamin C

Reading the article on Mayo Clinic, the search for information on many of my conditions related to my stroke was on!  Though I only scratched the surface this night the information was both interesting and useful and will spur me on to read and study more!

There was one website in particular that I found both interesting and intriguing and was the impetus of much more reading that night (and in the future).  Also I found one very interesting fact that I had probably considered in the past but ever acted upon to find the answer.  Why don't dogs (or other animals eat oranges or other citrus?)  They don't have to!  Unlike other animals and mammals, humans do not have the ability to manufacture Vitamin C and must get it through their diet!

Among all the web sites I visited I found one of particular interest Natural Health Guide.  It made sense to me and follows very much on my beliefs.  Not wanting to jump on board without more research, I did a lot of researching and reading on Vitamin C (and related vitamins and minerals) to see what was being said. 

Since this had to greatly to do with the research and work of Dr. Matthias Rath,  I searched to see what I could find out about him on the Net.  The only negative comments I was able to find were in regards to retractions on negative statements made in reference to him.  I then turned my search to the affects of vitamin C on health.  WOW!  There were untold references to the positive affects of vitamin C, especially in regards to cancer and cardio diseases and health.  Many of the references were made on major media outlet website! 


Wanting to take all the possible steps to get off all the medications I am currently taking and based on my previous experience, I decided more investigation and research was warranted.  Stating today, I am taking 6000mg of vitamin C and 1000 mg of Lysine but still taking my normal medications.  As soon as I can, I will have testing done to compare my blood with my previous baseline measurements.  I will continue my daily monitoring in case an issue arises.  I will provide periodic reports on the blog about my well being and general health. 

Just as a note, maybe I am having a 'good' day but after starting the intake of vitamin C and lysine I feel what I would term 'above average' today.  Of course it could be a result of a good day and the phone conversation earlier.

Pray for me if that is your belief or say a good omen, whatever the case.

Nature's Way

Never have I been big on polluting my body with lots of man-made chemicals and I am always on lookout for natural and organic ways to do things.  Taking drugs of any kind, even an aspirin, always seemed wrong to me maybe one of the reasons I always balked at going to the doctor!    Today going through all the medication I am prescribed is scary and maddening to me for a number of reasons.  In many cases, medication fights only the symptoms and does little if anything to actually fight the cause of the disease. 

Also, the exuberant profits made by big pharma companies.  Now it is not totally about the profit but the ways it is made, though lies and deceit.  Honest profit is one thing, 'cooking the books' to make it is another thing!  The Laws of Pharmaceutical Industtry by Dr. Matthias Rath describes greatly the purpose and intent of the pharmaceutical industry - it it not to cure and treat but for profit. Personally, I agree with Dr. Rath's writings on this.  Also,I am a strong advocate that God put everything on this earth for a reason!

Most everyone and every company seems these days to jump on the "Natural, Organic or Green" band wagon and seek their fortunes!  That is not to say that there isn't a need for manufacturers, vendors and producers etc.  but the profit should be in that!  Readily providing goods and services to consumers, not in taking something that all ready exists and works and modifying it merely to change the name and make it profitable!  (there are many examples and references to this).

The other night after receiving an email from one of friends over on http://strokesurvivors.org/ title 'High Blood Cholesterol,' I read the referenced article and launched myself into about five hours of research that night until about 2 a.m.  The reference was to the Mayo Clinic and I found the article informative and a great deal of additional information which I was happy to read!

Fueled and excited with the information I read on the Mayo Clinic website I continued on visiting dozens more websites before calling it a night.  The reading left me both stunned and mortified at some of what I read.  it was kind of like when I read on artificial sweeteners and quit drinking soda.  I felt better both in mind body not to mention I lost a ton of weight and saved bookus money!

The First Hospital Stay

Bare (or is that bear?) with me, as I try to tell this portion on the story as best I can.  During this portion of time I was truly not of my write mind (more than you can imagine for those that know me even!) I will post more later to give you an example of how good or bad it was.

During the entire stay, I remember a slew of questions coming at me by what seemed to be a ton of people.  Some of the questions, requiring answers I would be embarrassed to tell my mother or my best friend!  At this point though the 'name of the game' is Kevin Get Better and the show must go on, so I answered wholly and truthfully, or at least I think I did!

Don't even think of going to the hospital to get rest!  Every time you get comfortable with the lights out ready for some good rest - BOOM!  The lights are back on and their is someone else to poke you, prod you, give your arm a good squeeze and draw some more blood!

MAN! They take so much blood, it is no wonder that they keep the IV hooked up to you so they can pump fluids in you to make more blood!  There was once occasion when a 'blood tech' came in to draw blood.  Not just a via or two, her mission was to take 28 vials.  And she was determined to, one prick at a time.  Literally, the woman stuck me anew for every single vial of blood.  I had enough though before she completed her mission and told her she was through.  I couldn't take anymore and she wasn't getting anymore!

Is amazing some of the things they want to do to a person to cure them!  Some of the procedures will leave you a changed person, or in some instances kill you!  Other things you don't have in the hospital are dignity or privacy.  Do they write their procedures so as to let everyone know to deprive the patients of; rest, dignity and privacy? 

Along with the battery of normal tests (CT Scan, MRI, EEGs, etc), there were a ton of other tests and procedures - the kind that can change you for life, or put you six feet under.  As if all the tests aren't enough to scare a soul, they talk about all the possibilities of what may be wrong with you. In my first 48 hours in the hospital there was talk of all kinds of things, from Cancer to AIDS and I don't even remember.  I probably don't want to either but I am thankful I don't have them.

Not knowing, at the mention of Cancer and AAIDS, I start calling family asking them to come up and talk to me about all the things we need to talk about.  For one reason or another, no one came save my cousin.  What, or if we talked while she was there I don't even remember.

After I was in the hospital in Joplin for a couple of days the decision to send me to St Louis was made.  The reason being that (or I was told) was there was a test or procedure that needed to be done there.   Though the decision was made, the order did not come through for two or three days.  The trip there is another whole other story for later on.

In the meanwhile, the neurologist decided he couldn't or didn't want to wait for results of a spinal tap (also known as lumbar puncture) from St. Louis, he was going to do it himself.  Right then and there - in my hospital room!  Of course this is one of those procedures that can leave you a changed person!  Always with the potentially life changing procedures there is a dissertation about all the things that can potentially occur to you as a result.  Of course somewhere between dissertation and the actual procedure comes the paperwork.  This is when you get to sign on the dotted line and say is 'okay,' you understand and accept the risks associated with said procedure!  Oft times not even getting to talk about odds or percentages.  Even if there is time, you will probably be hard pressed to find someone willing to give you odds - no time for calls to Vegas!

This time the procedure went 'good' and the results were favorable.   I say the procedure went 'good' because I suffered none of the anticipated, or discussed complications.  That is not to say that some of my ongoing issues would be present had I not had the procedure down.

Getting Ready to Lock before I Roll

The thought of moving across the country this time brought up so many fears inside me, I can't name them all.  This was not the first time I had moved cross-country but it was my first time to do it 'all alone.'  Always before their had been a company making and handling arrangements, or I had someone on the other end waiting and established.  Moving to a foreign State that I had only visited before to be close to people (my family!) that I hardly knew.  This brought about a big fear compounded by many more fears.

One big surprise to me is just how much 'stuff' you can accumulate in four years despite the fact you are essentially living in a master bedroom!  In my mind, I was sure it would all fit in a small trailer (4x8) and my pickup!  I packed and sorted, getting rid of the things I could stand to part with.  I called and made reservations for the trailer, explaining what kind of vehicle it was hooking up too (my pickup) and was assured all was good and there would be no problem!

In preparation, on my first day of freedom (no more going to the office) I had the truck serviced and checked for everything possible and it only cost me about $1500!  Now this was slightly over what I had budgeted but I was not worried.  A fateful trip to a local casino (while the truck was being serviced) landed me a fair sized windfall to cover the cost of service!  (The casino win assuring me more that this was part of the Divine plan and making me more sure of the move)!

Sunday rolls around and it is time to pick up the trailer and get ready to roll!  My excitement takes a nose-dive after talking to the attendant and him informing that he couldn't hook the trailer to the bumper of my truck.  Now this is something that had been discussed and I was assured it was okay!  With not many other options, I ask if they can install the tow package needed to rent the trailer to me.  Of course they can, just not on Sunday as the technician was off on the weekend!

Frustrated and determined to leave, I put the phone lines to blazing, even calling the General Manager of the Rental Company (at the time I had clout).  It seems that there was some kind of insurance regulation in California that required a towing package (I often wondered what would happen if I showed up in the smallest car supposedly rated for the trailer?)  No matter, I was going to have to get a tow package installed on the truck if I was going to rent a trailer from this company!

Monday morning and I am hot on the trail to find another company to install the aforesaid required tow package.  Success!  I find a company that I would much rather do business with for the task at hand!  Only bad thing, they are on the other side of town.  I call and make another reservation for the trailer (at a different office though - something a little further away but that I had done business with before!)  On my way out the door to get the tow package installed and the mobile rings, it is the office and someone needs something.  While on the phone gathering the required information to complete the request I make my way back into the house knowing this is not going to be a quick fix.

Going back into my room, I find a hassock to plop down on and finish the call.  Finishing the call, I realize that I am going to have to break out my laptop and access a computer at work.  Removing my sunglasses, I toss them on the floor to move to the bag where my laptop is.  Crunch!  There are things strewn all about the floor so it was apt to be anything.  With the laptop hooked up, I access the computer and deliver the required information.  Packing up the laptop, I let the bag drop to the floor and bend over to scoop up my sunglasses.

Bending down I notice a pile of broken glass and twisted metal and my first though was 'ah what did I crunch in my haste?  Upon closer examination of the pile of rubbish I naturally find it is my sunglasses!  Now these aren't just sunglasses, they are my PRESCRIPTION sunglasses.  In preparation of the move, I had taken care to have eyes examined and new glasses prescribed.

Too much to be bothered with just now, I am all ready behind schedule and don't have enough time to get a new pair fashioned before I leave.  I decide to push on and use my transition lenses on my 'regular' glasses.  Upon my arrival to get the tow package installed, I am informed that 'it will be awhile.'  The little while turns into several hours and I am in jeopardy of missing my appointment to pick up the trailer.  Finally the tow package is installed with another entry to the deficit column (unexpected) in the amount of $400.00.  Not to worry though, as the previously mentioned windfall, though dwindling still covers the cost.

Finally I make it to pick up the trailer just as they are ready to lock the gates and I return to my soon to be ex-residence.  Tired and all ready a day late in leaving I am faced with the choice of pushing on and packing that night to leave or just wait to pack the truck and trailer the next morning.

By the time I got home, my room-mate was home and we discussed my predicament.  Also, that if I started packing it might carry on to late and disturb the neighbors.  So I voted on dinner with my room-mate and a night's rest before venturing on.

The Final Straw

With the final straw delivered and my notice given to leave there were a ton of details to be tended to both in California and Missouri. 

Details with my company that were necessary prior to my leaving, getting everything ready to go like packing up my belongings, the drive from California to Missouri.  It doesn't look like much when you write it down like that but it entailed a lot!

A prerequisite was agreeing on a final day with my company, finding a replacement and telling customers none of which would be easy.  Fortunately back in Missouri, I have a sister who was welcome (somewhat reluctantly) to finding me a place to live.  I say reluctant, because think about it she was going to view the place and I was going to make a decision based on her opinions.  Not an easy for anyone to be in.  In hindsight, I would have (should have) never put her into that position.

Had I been smart, I would have made arrangements to get here and then find a place.  The place i 'found' (thanks to Craigs List) sounded perfect in more ways than one.  It was close to all my family (within 20 miles) and close to town.  With the rent being comparable or below what I was used to in California and the location, it seemed like a on brainer to me, close to town, close to family but not too close (a way bit closer than the almost 2000 miles I currently lived).

Unknown to me, there was a lot more going on at the company that directly affected me than I knew and would have only added to my decision to leave.  So it all seemed to add up all the more - the timing is what it was meant to be.  The company and I negotiated and agreed on the task list to be completed before I left.  We also agreed to a term of 'temporary' off-site employment to ensure the successful turn-over of my position.  We agreed I would remain on the payroll for six months for the transition.


Everything was perfect and seemed to be lining up the way for God intended for me to move back to Missouri.  I know that I felt more at ease than ever with my decision!

The Recurring Episodes

With some frequency, but at random, I have what I refer to as 'episodes' for lack of a better term.  Until my most recent trip to the ER, both my GP (General Practitioner) and neurologist referred to these as TIAs, now my neurologist is not sure what they are.


My first experience began in January 2010, when a call to 911 was prompted to take me to the hospital.  While sitting at the desk quietly I was overcome by a major episode that left me with very blurred speech, paralysis in my left side and a numbness in my face and mouth.  The paramedics told me it was probably a TIA.  Upon delivery to the ER, the attending neurologist also indicated I probably had a TIA and I was admitted for additional observation and testing.  This episode to be continued later.

 There are generally what I call three levels of these episodes:

1.  Major as described above.
2.  Medium - ringing or pressure change in ears (usually left but occasionally right) with loss of coordination in limbs and inability to walk or speak clearly.  An overall warm feeling.
3.  Mild - ringing or pressure change in ear (left or right) with inability to walk.

All three episodes leave me tired.  None of this occurred before the stroke.  Any one of three are apt to come on at any time for no rhyme or reason and do not appear to be related to any particular behavior patterns (eating, activity, sleeping, etc.).  The doctors, both GP and neurologist state that TIAs should be controlled by medication for Blood Sugar, High Blood Pressure and High Cholesterol.  Though all levels appear to be within limits the episodes still continue. 

 All episodes are of short duration, thirty minutes or less but can and do occur multiple times a day.

The Emergency Room

Now I have never been one to like doctors, hospitals and least of all emergency rooms as is the case with most people.  For me, it always takes too long and requires dealing with a lot of people with too little time on their hands to care about you and talk to you as if you are a first grader.  Add into the mix that you are not completely of your right mind and it is a scary proposition.  In my mind there is no good night to go to the emergency room especially on the weekends, but here I was.

My original hope was that the ER would find something wrong, give me a shot and send me home.  No such luck and I am sure my heart sunk to learn that I was being admitted. I am not too proud to say that in some regards, I am probably not the easiest patient in the world do to deal with.  Though I am generally polite and treat others with respect, I am very inquisitive and want to know all the answers, all the i's dotted and t's crossed.  It is just who I am, learned behavior from my past.

Of course there are first the 'thousands' of questions about your past which I would be reluctant to share with a fried in many instances since I am a fairly private person.  Take into account my condition at the moment and my brain isn't firing on all cylinders and the memory is clouded.  It is difficult at best to disclose you lifetime medical history, especially to strangers.

It is very important to have a strong support network, with people who care about you for many reasons.  In the initial phase there are dozens of procedures, medications and other decisions to be made which can affect a person's life for all time.  Trying to consider and decide on all on these things is not always easy even when of total and complete mind, little alone when you are not all there.  It is a scary proposition to learn that some of the treatment and tests being talked about are not even of the norm for diagnosis.  In this instance I am referring to a brain biopsy but more about that later.

Coming to Missouri

The exact time I decided to come to Missouri, is not as important as is the reason I decided to come back.  It must be at least five or six years since making the decision but more importantly I wanted to move back to be closer to family and to establish a relationship that had been missing for years.  First, a little about what me decide to move back.

There were a series of events leading up to my decision to move back home; the desire and need to be closer to family, I was growing tired and burnt out in the job I had been with for almost ten years, and I was ready to leave California to a new and slower pace.

The decision to return to Missouri grew stronger the longer the thought germinated in my mind with each trip back home to visit family and a number of decisions made within the company.  Finally in April 2008, the final straw fell at work and giving my notice to leave my position rolled almost naturally from my lips.  I had all ready made up my mind and learning that annual bonuses were going to be reduced to 10% was enough for me to make my decision publicly known to everyone.  All ready I knew that I was under paid and a reduction in the annual bonus only made that more of a reality.$`

The decision to leave my position at the company was not necessarily an easy one.  After almost ten years with the company, I had advanced from supervisor to senior manager.  The position was great for my ego too, bringing me over  $100k a year and giving me a global presence.  The glamor of the job quickly faded after the company was bought out and focuses changed more to the bottom line - profit.

It all added to my conviction and the reasons I needed to move back to Missouri.

This Chapter of my Life

This chapter of my life started on the 25th of October, 2009, just two days short of my 48th birthday - what a surprise the way it has ended up!

The morning started out normal, filled with errands as many weekends are.  One last stop at the department store, with me running in to grab one item before heading home.  I remember feeling fine going through checkout and walking out towards the door. Just as I went through the door, I knew something was not right.   I fought to keep from going down and thought it fortunate the poles were relatively close outside the door, giving me something to lean on while I regained myself.  It was surreal feeling the way I could look across the drive and see Sharon in the car waiting for me, I just couldn't force myself to make my way to the car.  Fortunately there was a break in traffic and Sharon was able to make her way across the drive to where I was.

The drive home was uneventful, with the only real event I recall was rolling up the window at some point, the wave of warmth that had followed the 'attack' leaving me.  After pulling into the driveway, I don't even recall if I helped with carrying the packages in.  The first thing I remember is falling into the recliner to rest.  My time in the recliner was short lived before being over taken by a violent vomiting spell.  (The Exorcist had nothing on me from what I hear.)  And I made my way to the bathroom to lay near the toilet and attempt to have some control.  As it was the vomiting passed and I passed out on the bathroom floor (on the cool tile).  Sometime later in the day Sharon helped me to the bed, where I lay sleeping for four days.


Our original thought was that I had the Swine Flu after being exposed the previous week.  When finally I did awake, I attempted to make a simple breakfast of cinnamon rolls (from a can).  It was obvious while observing me try to accomplish this simple task that something was wrong.  My coordination was all off and I wasn't able to focus clearly or totally.

My thoughts were that maybe I was weak after being ill and in bed for so long.  Sharon on the other hand felt I needed to go to the emergency room.  By the time she arrived home that evening, I was in total agreement as I knew that I was not getting better.

Monday 22, 2010

A new day and a new blog for me to share my experiences, beliefs and events with the world. My world, my life has changed dramatically since October 2009. For you who are aware you will be able to catch up here and those don't know will learn about me. There is also much that I have learned about life along the way through the years and across the miles. Maybe some of it will be familiar to you, either because you experienced it yourself; maybe on your own, with me or because of me.


This blog is just as much for me as you in some regards.  Writing with pen and paper is a chore for me these days, so it is easier to document things here; my memories, my thoughts, my lessons of life and all it holds, and just about anything else I care to write about.  If you read the pages you will possibly learn a great deal about me.


It is based on my truth, that which I have seen with my own eyes, heard with my own ears, or experienced personally.  I strive here to be, and always to be impeccable in my words.